So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
