So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
