just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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