I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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