If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
