My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
