she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
