Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
