May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
