Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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