and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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