I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
