Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
