sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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