does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
