does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
