why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
