as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
