My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
