hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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