i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
