So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
