My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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