my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
