I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
