I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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