I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
