I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
