You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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