so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
