I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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