I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
