pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
