Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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