Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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