I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize