I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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