im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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