he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
