i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
handjob tips. give me some.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
COCAINE IS GR8
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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