Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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