I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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