I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
