when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
