p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
