This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
