God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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