I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
