I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Your cock deserves a montage
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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