swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I pour the whiskey from now on
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
