I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
